My Childhood in PC Games

Gaming has evolved into a constantly revolving door of new content, new technology, and all things bright and shiny. Yet, for whatever reason, I think more fondly on those games I played in my childhood. I spent hours in these virtual worlds, yet now they are either gone completely, or at best difficult to find. There are places in which I will never set virtual foot in again, and I feel melancholy thinking of those abandoned worlds.

So here is a list of the games I can remember playing - most of them educational, as per my parents directives - and in no particular order.

What games do YOU remember playing when you were young? 

Mario Teaches Typing

My dad took a cardboard box and cut it in such a way that it covered the keyboard but had space for our hands to fit; it forced me and my sister to type without staring at our hands the whole time. Gameboys and N64 systems were big at this time, and it was a compromise I was happy to make, since it was a Mario game still, after all. This game combined with my piano lessons helped me learn great typing habits that I still use today.

Oregon Trail

This one definitely wasn't educational, and it took FOREVER to play (does anyone else remember the times when you couldn't save your game for later, and you just had to play through to the end??), but it was one of my favorites! Eventually I learned all the tricks for success: leaving at the best time of year, choosing the best profession (doctor, because you could heal your party and you started with the most money), just when to shoot when hunting deer and buffalo, and how to steer down the streams without crashing into rocks. After you win the game a few times, with everyone surviving and having really good stats, though, the next best thing was dying on PURPOSE. The funniest way to play it was to leave at the worst time of year, with the lowest paying profession and the least supplies, then force your oxen to go at the fastest pace and put the people on the lowest rations and see how soon you could kill your entire party. Not morbid at all for little kids! 

Math Blaster

I remember shooting the garbage and having to save Spot. This game was great for reinforcing rote memorization with math facts, and I enjoyed it, but I don't remember much else.

Lemmings

This was another game that took forever, and while it wasn't educational per se, there was a lot of logical projection required to problem solve and figure out each level. This was another game that would often end in purposeful destruction (stack as many lemmings in a hole as you can, then blow them all up). Usually this would only happen after failing a level several times; it was great stress relief!

Super Solvers: Midnight Rescue

My folks liked this game because it helped develop critical thinking skills in regards to reading. You had to wander a school at night, find clues about who was behind the crime, and defeat the evil robot causing all the mischief. The character you played was dressed oddly, and you could never see their face or hair. (This was probably to appeal to both boys and girls, but it was rather awkward-looking.) I remember the evil robots creeping me out a little, as they would appear any time, without warning. 

Zoombinis Logical Journey

I loved playing this game whenever we went to visit a certain aunt and uncle's house! I even begged my parents to buy the game for me so I could play it at home as well, but they either figured I had enough games already, or that I wouldn't enjoy it as much if I had access to it whenever I wanted. This game heavily emphasized the use of logic and finding patterns, as there was virtually NO instruction for how to solve each level. Through trial and error, I learned to design Zoombinis that were all the same, or I made sure that they shared at least one trait in common with another, as some puzzles involved arbitrary sorting of the Zoombinis. It almost felt unfriendly in the lack of instruction for solving the puzzles, but I still loved it.

Number Munchers/Super Munchers

This was probably one of the very first PC games I played, and I came across it at school. I don't think I ever played it at home. I think it was a bit like PacMan, in that you had to avoid monsters while trying to "munch" the correct numbers on the screen. I remember beating it at least once, and feeling relieved when it was over. I guess I've always been sensitive to stress! There was also a reading/spelling version of the game.

Word Invaders (?)

This was probably the VERY FIRST game I ever played on a computer, and I'm not even sure this is the correct name. This image isn't exactly what I remember playing. It was on a tiny Apple computer screen (you know, where the screen is black and the text is in green, with no graphics whatsoever), and you had to type the letter as it "fell" from the top of the screen towards the bottom. Later versions had words and series of random key combinations, but both/all were modeled after the Space Invaders arcade game.

BONUS: Ski Free

Not educational in the least! It was often my objective to go out of bounds and get the Abominable Snowman on the screen to come eat my character on purpose :p

My Foodie Origin Story

A friend recently asked an open-ended question on Facebook, about what ethnic foods we've tried or what cuisines we'd like to sample if we could. As I was composing my answer, it brought up memories of eating at my grandma and grandpa's house when I was little, and how much I took that cultural experience for granted. It was normal for us, after all! But with that kind of background, I have always been willing and eager to try new kinds of foods.

Here is a list of some foods I experienced while growing up or have come across since then. (It's quite difficult when you live somewhere like Idaho...)
These are in no particular order. 

Dolma/sarma - a Turkish/Middle Eastern dish: rice wrapped in marinated grape leaves (there are many variations on this, but I only ate the tangy version with rice and no meat)

(Photo: georgefamily.net)

Kufteh/Kofta - an Armenian dish: a meatball of ground lamb wrapped in a meat/grain mixture, boiled until they float (again, tons of variations in ingredients as well as cooking methods)

 (Photo: ArmeniaNow.com)

Cheese boereg/byorek - Armenian dish: phyllo dough folded in triangles and stuffed with a tangy white cheese, usually mixed with some green bits that I would guess is parsley

 (Photo: eatwisconsincheese.com)

Pita bread with Hummus - Greek dish: a wheat based flat bread, and cooked, mashed chickpeas mixed with tahini and olive oil. I can't eat hummus from the store now, that stuff is gross compared to the REAL hummus (I'm looking at YOU, Sabra...)

(Photo: HowtoCookBestFood.com)

Tabbouleh/Tabouli - Armenian salad: chopped parsley, tomatoes, onion, and bulgar (or probably sometimes couscous) with an olive oil and lemon dressing. This is too tart for me to eat by itself, so I usually make a sandwich with pita bread, hummus, and the tabouli

(Photo: maureenabood.com)

Baklava - Caucasus (Turkey, Armenian) dessert: phyllo dough soaked with honey and filled with chopped nuts, usually pistachios or walnuts. I can feel the sticky crunch on my teeth just looking at this picture!

(Photo: Easy Turkish Recipes on youtube.com)

Rice Pilaf - Armenian dish: a simple side dish of rice cooked in broth (this was probably one of my favorite dishes to eat at my grandma's house. I would have an entire plate piled with just this rice and cheese boreg :p )


(Photo: afamilyfeast.com)

Chicken Adobo - a Spanish dish transplanted to the Philippines: bone-in chicken simmered in a vinegar, soy sauce, and garlic marinade (falls off the bone if you do it right!)

 (Photo: PanlasangPinoy.com)

Lumpia - a Filipino dish that originated in Indonesia/China: basically a skinny spring roll, and still one of my all-time favorite foods

(Photo: Cookdiary.net)

Pancit - a Filipino dish: thin rice noodles, usually fried and mixed with bits of egg, chicken, and vegetables like carrot or cabbage, and a squeeze of lemon right after plating

(Photo from PanlasangPinoy.com)

Puto - Philippine dessert: steamed sweet rice bun - I've eaten white ones with a bit of yellow cheese grated on top, as well as purple ones. There are also lots of variations of this dish, depending on region. I don't think my grandma made these, but I've had them at Filipino restaurants before, and they're yummy!

(Photo credit: Ramon F Velasquez, from Wikipedia web page)




Beef Tapa - Filipino Beef Jerky (not to be confused with the Spanish "tapas"): My great aunt Pearl used to make this for me and all the cousins, and we'd DEVOUR it within the first few seconds of her putting it on the table! It's a dish of marinated, thinly sliced beef, served hot. Big thanks to my dad who finally found what this is called as my own previous searches had turned up nothing in the past!

(Photo: foodcitations.com)

Shish Kebab - Armenian grilled dish: grilled chunks of meat on a stick! I think most people have encountered this food in one form or another. I've usually had lamb or beef versions, and there was only meat on the stick, not veggie/meat layers like you'll sometimes come across.

(Photo: food.com) 

Arguing with an Angry 4-year-old is like Arguing with Depression

Recently I have had a lot of negative interactions with my 4-year-old that go a little something like this:

Me: "Please stop shoving the toy in your sister's face."

4-year-old: *shoves toy in sister's face some more*

Me: "If you don't keep that out of her face, then we won't get donuts later." (something I had made plans for the previous evening, an activity the 4-year-old was greatly anticipating)

4-year-old: *shoves toy in sister's face some more*

Me: "Please stop!"

4-year-old: *shoves toy in sister's face one more time*

Me: "Okay, we are not getting donuts anymore."

4-year-old: *RAPTOR SCREECH* 
"You're MEAN, mom! You don't WANT me to have donuts! NOBODY wants me to have donuts EVER AGAIN!" 
*grumpiest frown/stink eye combination ever*

Me: (calm voice) "No, that's not true, I WANT you to have donuts, I wanted to get us donuts, but you chose to disobey."

4-year-old: "You're HAPPY when I'm sad! You LIKE it when I'm mad! You don't LOVE me anymore!"

Me: "No, that is NOT TRUE, I actually --" (4-year-old interrupts, repeating same arguments, stifling further discussion)

Overall, lots of extremely frustrating, repetitive, headache-inducing arguments. Instead of acknowledging his part in losing a privilege or receiving a punishment and allowing himself to feel sad or disappointed, he immediately jumps to blame everyone around him. It's frustrating, but at this stage I can chalk it up to him simply not knowing how to correctly label his feelings. (Heck, I'm still learning to do this as an adult!) And it means eventually he will learn the correct labels as long as I take the time to set him straight.

But the worst part is how eerily similar these interactions are to the arguments I've had with Depression, or rather, friends and family who were going through an episode of depression.

Here's an example of a conversation I've had with Depression:

*random negative or stressful life event*

Depression: "You're MEAN, God! You don't WANT me to have happiness! NOBODY wants me to have happiness EVER AGAIN! I probably don't even DESERVE happiness!"

Me: "No, that's not true, God wants ALL of us to be happy. This [life event] is just part of mortality. You're a good person, you can have happiness, too."

Depression: "Well, maybe everyone else can, but He doesn't want ME to be happy. I'll NEVER be happy, no matter WHAT I do. God just doesn't love me, that's why I keep feeling this way."

Me: "Of course He loves you, I think --" (Depression interrupts, shutting down further discussion)

Don't misunderstand me, I am not making light of depression in any way by comparing it to a 4-year-old's tantrum, nor am I suggesting my 4-year-old has depression. What I am saying is that negative thought patterns can apparently develop at any age, and I feel the heavy burden it is to listen to, attempt to argue with and eventually help change those unhealthy thought patterns.

It is so draining to argue with and confront these negative patterns of thought in my loved ones, though! (Again, please do not misunderstand, I do not wish to diminish or claim to fully understand the fight of those who actually have depression.) Yet I often feel very alone in these discussions. Perhaps it is because the person I care about isn't even there - Depression takes over their side of the conversation and I have to fight so hard to be heard.  Sometimes I don't even want to try anymore since it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall.

However, in the past few years I have come across the mental health branch of psychology called "cognitive behavioral therapy," and it gives me hope. The very nature of that study centers on the idea that we have the power to control and change the very course our thoughts take. The science here tells me that my efforts to argue with Depression are not in vain. Obviously the therapy is more successful when the person with depression practices those principles themselves, but it proves I can still do something on my end as a caretaker.

These principles are mirrored in what I have learned from the gospel and the scriptures, that we can control our thoughts and that God does not give us any commandment without preparing a way for us to follow it. So if He tells us that we must control our thoughts, that means He wants us to do so, and that there are ways we can indeed learn to control our thoughts. 

There is an amazing talk by one of our church leaders that directly addresses the issue of those with clinical depression and their caretakers by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Like A Broken Vessel," and it has also brought me great comfort and hope.   

From what I've learned about the nature of this mortal journey, I also think that Depression is at least in part due to a particular vulnerability to Satan's lies. Look back at the conversations I wrote - who else does Depression sound like? Can you hear it in Satan's voice now?

Satan: "God is so MEAN! He NEVER wants you to have happiness. I bet you don't even DESERVE to be happy. Nobody cares about you, especially not God, IF He's even there..."

All of us have heard these lies before, whispered in the private recesses of our innermost thoughts. For some reason, though, there are those of us who are more susceptible to believing those insidious lies, and it takes its toll on everyone around them. We all have our weaknesses, and how those weaknesses are assigned is not a reflection on who God favors (tip of the day: He loves all of us equally). It is just a particular trial of mortality that some of us must face directly, and some of us face from the outside as caretakers. 

It is very much like cancer that can take down anyone, not just people who make unhealthy choices. Additionally, depression is like cancer because it takes a toll on everyone involved - the person with cancer as well as those who love and live with them. 

My point is this: Don't listen to Satan's lies, keep fighting to change your negative thought patterns, and stay strong if you are the one having to supply the example of positive thought patterns for others. Do what you need to do to keep up your own mental strength, and pray for God's help.   


(Here is the link to that talk I mentioned, because it really is worth a read:)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

 


  

Emotional Health, Jealousy, and Homeownership

I've learned a lot about emotional health since I've been married and had children. I used to think it was just me, like it wasn't my particular talent to be good at dealing with or expressing my emotions in a healthy way, or that I should hide the ones that show weakness, like sadness or fear. (In reality, dealing with emotions in a healthy way is actually an area in which most adults I've met still have a LOT of growing up to do.) 

 

I also learned at a young age that people don't want to be around you if you're complaining all the time, so I would hide, smother, bottle up those emotions and put on a good face so people would like me. I'll even monitor my friendships and think back on our recent interactions to see if I've burdened them with too much information about my problems. It's similar to animals in the wild - those that are sick often separate themselves from the pack to go off and die alone. I viewed negative emotions as a sickness that no one wants to be around, so I cut myself off as a service to the pack. I still do this, because I want to be liked, and I am the one element of the relationship I can control.

I have since learned that it is better to acknowledge, express and work through our negative emotions, because if you cut off any emotion, including the bad ones we don't like to feel, it will make you numb to the good ones, too. You can't bottle up anger, jealousy, or sadness without losing the ability to feel happiness. It's all or nothing with emotions. I don't know why, that's just how God designed us, I suppose.

Something I wish the rest of the world would teach or even acknowledge is the fact we NEVER have to ACT on our emotions. Just because I am angry does not give me the right to hurt others - something I now tell my children. (This idea of restraint would go a long way in ending extramarital affairs, as well as benefit an individual's emotional health.) Emotions do pass, much like sickness when we finally puke after eating something that makes us sick. It hurts, it burns to vomit up whatever made us ill, but afterwards there is an immediate sense of relief, plus that thing that made us feel that way is no longer in our system. We are healthy again.

With all of that being said, I wanted to share that there have been many times when I have felt jealous of those who seemed to be moving on with their lives while I was stuck in Rexburg, waiting for the hubby to graduate. I didn't want to admit to myself I felt that way because I've always been taught that it is wrong to feel jealous ("thou shalt not covet" - which I now acknowledge is not the same thing, more like a higher law/lesser law deal). I also didn't want to let jealousy take away from any happiness I might feel towards those who were moving on, finding "real" jobs, buying their first homes, and so on. 

 

I can even extend this to other times when I've felt jealous, like seeing friends and family post pictures of sisters having a wonderful time together, since I can't do that anymore in this life. Since I had trained myself to avoid and ignore that feeling of jealousy - remember, I see it as a weakness and an undesirable trait - I would bottle it up and continue to feel "sick," as it were. Then one day I asked about it in counseling (a few years back I went to see a counselor every other week for a couple months to help me deal with everything), and that's when she compared feeling negative emotions to vomiting. I can now admit that I feel jealous sometimes, allow myself to feel it, understand why I am feeling it, and be sad. Once I fully feel that jealousy, I can let it go and feel the happiness I want to have for others and genuinely celebrate with them.

 

It's not easy, though. Understanding in theory is not the same as understanding in practice. I feel jealousy from time to time, and I still struggle with allowing myself to feel it because I do still see it as a negative trait that a "true" friend wouldn't feel. But at least I know now that it is healthy and necessary to feel those less desirable emotions in order to keep feeling the good emotions, too. Feeling jealous does not mean I have to act jealous (remember? you never have to ACT on your emotions!)

So if any of you ever feel jealous after seeing something I post about a new job, new house, me with my kids, anything - please know that I have been there, too, in one way or another. It's okay to feel that way, and it does not mean I am any more or less blessed than you. (That's almost an entirely different blog entry right there!) 

Grieving

Grieving  - What I have learned about the process over the years

At first, each wave of emotion is powerful, overwhelming and you are completely submerged. Tears rise up of their own volition, sometimes so violently they turn to a gagging breathlessness as grief engulfs your being. Everything is blackened out. You don't know if you'll ever breathe again. Later you will learn that this is sheer shock. The emotional pain translates to physical pain – headache, dry eyes, dehydration – all things you barely notice, if at all at first. Every normal task feels abnormal, like eating, using the bathroom, or talking, and everything blurs together in a haze, a weird mix of intense emotion and the dullness that remains once a wave subsides. It feels like you will never be happy again, but mundane tasks keep you going for those first few days or weeks. Because it hurts so much, you might even try to stop thinking about it – a natural defense, and a much-needed momentary break – but that wave will always come crashing in. Let it. Eventually the swells die down in frequency and intensity, with each wave hitting more softly and ebbing more quickly.

Grieving is incredibly personal, but at the same time, it can be shared to some degree with those who were also close to the person lost. It feels strange to laugh, in between the swells of grief, but good memories come up and if the person who was lost had a good relationship with you, you don't mind laughing because you want to honor their memory with goodness, too. You might even feel a little happy to see all the family and friends that came to honor your lost loved one.

Grieving is being sad for all the memories you won't make with them anymore, sadness that your journey with that person is over, sadness over a future lost. It can also involve self-pity, feeling sad that you are sad, as well as anger and confusion, and later on, jealousy of others who still have their sister, mother, brother, father. Regret might also play a role in grief, even when the person who died had an overall positive relationship with you. And there is no good question to the answer “Why?”

Grief changes you forever. There is a depth etched into your soul from that wound, from that loss, and no one will ever be able to fill that hole in this life, because there is no one exactly like that person you lost, no relationship that can – or even should – completely replace it. With that wound there is an added sensitivity to loss and sadness, even imagined loss, and it leaves you wobbly the same way staying in water for a long time can make your legs feel like they are in moving water, even long after they are dry. Later on this will make you a better friend to those who also go through loss.

Eventually you start to notice people with those attributes from the person you lost, and you realize there is still that goodness in the world, albeit not wrapped up in the package that was the person who died. And there will be a search for a way to deal with that sadness etched into your soul, for the times a swell rises up after a long, long absence of grief-like feelings. There might even be a sense of obligation or dedication to always feel a little sad, to continue to miss that person no matter how many years go by, because you always want them to be a part of your life. There are many good ways to honor someone's memory. It might even serve as a way to allow you to grieve in the future, because all feelings need the chance to be felt. It makes you human. It makes you sane. Just don't hold it in.

A Cultural Comparison: From America to Africa!

This past weekend I decided to go down to a neighboring state to visit a friend of mine and take a break from the kids. As a way to make my trip less expensive, I used the local ride board to find passengers. I had only one round-trip rider, and the two people I was supposed to pick up on my way back canceled on me last minute. I was disappointed at first, but little did I know it would lead to an amazing opportunity to speak with my remaining passenger.

I currently live in a college town, and that means there are a few international students. It just so happened that my passenger was one of them - Elizabeth, (name has been changed) who comes from Nigeria! I have an innate curiosity about other countries, cultures and customs, so we spent the next few hours talking about how she came to this part of the country, what she thinks of everything here, and all about her home.

It took Elizabeth close to 48 hours to fly here, first flying from Nigeria to Egypt for a layover, then taking a plane from Egypt to the States. She mentioned really liking Egypt, and seeing the people there and here just makes her wonder how Heavenly Father did it, making us all look so diverse when we all came from the same parent. (I think she was referring to Adam and Eve.) It made me think about how us Americans tend to think of God and Jesus as white, even in our art, but Jesus was Hebrew. I know His countenance is described in the scriptures as pure and white, but I picture Him more as an olive-skinned, Mediterranean-looking man.

Disclaimer
I want to acknowledge that while my new friend is from a foreign country, I'm not so naive as to assume her views are a complete representation of the people and life there. She has been in the States for over a year now, and her English is very good - I was shocked to learn it is her FOURTH LANGUAGE, it's that good - but there is always the chance for misunderstanding. So if anyone ever reads this and says I got it all wrong, keep in mind that is not my intention! (Although I think we understood each other fairly well :)  
 
Women and Education
Elizabeth decided to come here for school primarily because she wanted to be around people who share her standards (meaning the same religion). She also has a strong desire to have an education so she can take care of herself. Poverty is a huge issue in Nigeria, and even if you have a college education, you still can end up with a job that only pays you enough to just scrape by. 

Elizabeth also values an education in the event she gets married one day, has children, and her husband dies or divorces her - which is what our church believes. (Our church encourages everyone to pursue their education, men and women, for the reasons Elizabeth shared.) However, for Elizabeth I think the reason goes deeper than just heeding the counsel of the Brethren of the church. 
 
She shared with me a couple poignant examples - realistic situations in Nigeria. Picture an uneducated woman with ten children, living on her husband's salary. Then imagine her husband suddenly dies. There is no life insurance in Africa, no pension plans, unemployment or welfare. That woman now has no way to care for her family, and in her frustration, she beats her children when they misbehave because she doesn't know what to do.

Now picture that same woman with her ten children, except her husband doesn't die. Imagine instead that the husband blatantly cheats on his wife, and he even brings the mistress home with him. The wife will then cook and clean for that mistress, hoping that the husband won't ask for a divorce. If he does, the wife will be forced to leave, along with all her children. She gets nothing, because in Nigeria, they do not have the same divorce laws. It is seen as the man's house, and she has to get out.

Food
I asked Elizabeth what the hardest thing was for her to adjust to living here, and she immediately answered, "The food!" We do have rice, tomatoes, and fruit here, but it's not the same as back home. She doesn't like the cheese here, or our soups, and all our food has too much sugar in it here. Elizabeth mentioned her visiting teachers bringing her cookies when they visit - a very nice, very typical gesture here in the States - but she can't handle how sweet our treats are! Everything is very rich when it comes to goodies. 

She does think our chicken is bland compared to what she's used to, and she misses things like goat meat and snails (they buy snails at the grocery store like the French do - escargot). Every so often she cooks a traditional meal for her roommates, and I recalled a friend of mine who served a mission in Africa mentioning a peanut butter stew. Elizabeth said yes, she knows how to make that, but the peanut butter here is completely different than back home, so it's not quite the same. There are other foods she mentioned that I don't recall the name because there is no American equivalent. I asked if there is any food she DOES like here, and she said, "Pizza!" I laughed - it's funny how there are so many versions of pizza, and they're almost all good. She also likes burgers and lasagna, although that is technically Italian food, as well as mashed potatoes. I asked if that meant they don't have potatoes, but Elizabeth said they do, they just always prepare it in one of two ways - fried or boiled in stews.

Clothes, Music, Television and Driving
Next I asked about clothing and music - obviously the clothing here is different just because the cold season here is so much colder than in Nigeria, but stylistically Elizabeth said the clothes are London-influenced more than American-influenced. Since she is from the capital city, there is a bit of diversity as representatives from other countries come in and try to help Nigeria rebuild its economy and train the people in better business practices. The music is VERY different however, and at first she didn't know how to dance to our pop music :)

I asked about their television shows, and she says it's pretty much like it is here. She did grow up watching a lot of American movies, which is probably why her English is so good. 

Elizabeth doesn't have a license yet, but it's mostly because she didn't have a car in Nigeria and she doesn't have one here. The driving laws are a lot more lax in her country, so there are a lot of laws that are new to her living here. The police don't usually pull you over, and if they do, they will only sometimes give you a ticket to pay a fine. The prevailing attitude is "You want to break the law? You want to speed and put yourself at risk for an accident? Go ahead, you can be stupid and die." Keep in mind, this is not said with ANY spite - it's a very matter-of-fact attitude. They do drive on the right-hand side of the road, but their legal driving age is 18 instead of 16 (although it's not enforced - if you look big/old enough to drive, the cops leave you alone).  

Weather and Animals
In Nigeria their weather is divided into two seasons: the hot dry season, with temperatures ranging from 55 degrees (Fahrenheit) at night, up to 104 degrees in the daytime; and the wet season, from April to October, has heavy rain every other day, and the temperature stays between 70 and 82 degrees morning and night. Elizabeth laughs when it rains here and people say it's pouring - we have NO idea what heavy rain really looks like! And she loved seeing it snow for the first time. She remembers describing it to her father and family back home - "It's cold! It tastes like ice and it feels like you're standing in a refrigerator!" But she hasn't gone out and played in it, like snowboarding or skiing.

I asked what kind of animals they have in Nigeria, and Elizabeth said there are pretty much the same animals as here. Dogs, cats, rats - definitely more snakes, though. There are no animal laws or regulations in Nigeria, like how here if you don't spay or neuter your pet you have to be a licensed breeder or pay fines. Elizabeth told me a story about how her mother loved dogs and they used to have a huge pack running around their property because the dogs kept breeding. Her dad would then try and sell the puppies behind the mother's back, but she would just go out and buy more! 

Racism
Sadly, Elizabeth said she experienced racism for the first time coming to America, and it surprised her. It wasn't just because it feels awful to be discriminated against. (I had a tiny taste of that when I was in California and had to go to a health center where almost everyone there was Mexican, from the patients to the doctors. I had arrived for my baby's appointment 15 minutes early, but I wasn't seen until an hour and a half later, while 6 other non-white patients who arrived after me - not in critical condition and had later appointments than me - were seen first.) She was so surprised because she knows that if white people visit Nigeria, they are treated like a celebrity. People will ask you to take pictures with them just so they can say they were with a white person. 

Elizabeth then related to me how she thinks our skin is so pretty. She loves and appreciates her own skin, and she wouldn't trade it or change it even if she could, but our skin looks beautiful to her. Even going to the temple here is especially wonderful to her because all the white temple workers "look like angels."

Temples and Households
Speaking of temples, she shared with me how her father goes to the temple every month. They live 15 hours away from the nearest temple! Her father's dedication is humbling, especially considering how hard it is to make money and find jobs in Nigeria. Here in America we take for granted how close we live to our temples; we don't have to spend an entire weekend traveling, spending our hard earned money on trip expenses just to do a temple session. That is how much her father values his religion, and she said his example inspires her.

Her father inspired Elizabeth in other ways, too. She never wanted to cause trouble or disobey her father because she saw how hard he worked to provide for them, despite their mother passing away when she was only 9 years old. Her siblings were all at boarding schools, so she was the main emotional support for him while he was constantly working and on the road for work. Apparently in Nigeria the men do not know how to cook at all or maintain a household, so Elizabeth had to be the wife and mother, cooking and cleaning after school. And they don't have washing machines for clothes out there. Everything is washed by hand.

Schools and Breakfasts
I asked Elizabeth how the schools worked out there, like what ages and how long their days last. Here we typically put our 5 year olds in kindergarten, then 6 to 12 is elementary school, followed by junior high or middle school for ages 12-14, ending with high school, 14-18. 

In Nigeria, kids go to school as early as 2 years of age, for four-hour school days. Then it's a few versions of primary school from 4 to 11, a middle school of sorts for ages 11 to 13, and high school from 13 to 17. Boarding school is very typical, and she recalls her school days going from 8 am to 2 pm, break from 2-4 pm, then more school from 4-6 pm, another break, then class from 9-10 pm. Tuition for school is the U.S. equivalent of $2 for a semester, but there are plenty of families who still cannot afford even that small amount.

If you are enrolled in school, you have to come clean and well-groomed. For example, if you don't change your braids (wash your hair) once a week, the teachers will beat you and send you home, so all the students are very careful to make sure they are washed for school. That is certainly different than in America!

When I asked about traditional breakfast foods, she told me wealthier people in Nigeria are the ones who tend to eat breakfast cereals like Americans, but it doesn't really matter what you eat in the morning. There isn't a cultural norm for breakfast. That is, if you have anything to eat at all. Even with her father working hard, long hours, they would go without food some days. 

Money and Work
In Nigeria you are paid a monthly salary. Elizabeth described her first job out of high school - something considered a "good" job out there - and how she worked twelve hours a day and earned the U.S. equivalent of $100 per MONTH. Now she can braid other black girls' hair while living in the States, doing their weave, and she can earn $100-$200 in a single weekend. It's something she picked up in Nigeria, a small job she could do when she was younger to help earn money, and it's still useful here. 

Something else that's interesting about the workplace in Nigeria is that your boss is not your friend. Coming to America, Elizabeth will see people joking around with their boss, even having them as a "friend" on Facebook, and it blows her mind. In Nigeria you have to be tough, distant and cold or your employees will walk all over you, or you won't be seen as competent enough to run a successful business. Elders in general are highly feared and respected, and it surprises Elizabeth how open and relaxed the relationships are here between bosses and employees, or even between fathers and their children. (She overheard a roommate telling someone on the phone about how the roommate had kissed a guy for the first time, and Elizabeth had to ask if the roommate was actually talking so openly with her own father or just a friend!)

I admire Elizabeth's work ethic. The attitude in Nigeria is you have to survive, no matter what that takes. Elizabeth came here and took a job as an early morning custodian, cleaning bathrooms at 4 am on the college campus, because that's what was available and she has to earn money. She meets other students who turn their noses up at the job, saying it's "too hard" or that they "could never do it," and their attitude completely astounds her. There are so many jobs out here, and close to nothing in Nigeria, she can't imagine people being so proud as to turn down any opportunity to work. 

On the one hand, it's wonderful being in a country that takes care of its people and provides so many opportunities, through student loans and other government assistance, but on the other hand, it makes people lazy. She doesn't want to have anything to do with the guys here that are too proud to scrub toilets at 4 in the morning.

Dating
This leads me to the topic of dating. Back home in Nigeria, the boys find a girl they think is pretty and want to get to know, and they ask her to be his girlfriend. There is no dating until you are boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course, Elizabeth says you never say yes the first time - the guy has to keep asking, and after a few months the girl can say yes - and girls NEVER ask the guys out, because that makes her look desperate and too easy. I like that their men don't get discouraged with a simple "no" like the boys here in America. It proves to the girl that his interest is sincere, and if she resists, it makes the guy feel like the girl he's interested in is worth his effort by how much she resists. 

Elizabeth doesn't like dating here for a few reasons. If she is busy and has to say no to a date request simply because of a scheduling conflict, the guys here give up instead of trying again. She is also more physical than the men here are used to - holding hands on the first date doesn't mean the same level of commitment in Nigeria than it does here - so that scares off the guys that do happen to try again. It's also too vague for her - she is always wondering where she stands with a guy since over here you date for a while THEN decided if you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, rather than just be boyfriend/girlfriend first. 

Then there are the jerks who only date Elizabeth because she is black and they basically just want to know what it's like to kiss a black girl. They date her, have a little fun, then break it off because their cultures are "just too different." She says that if it was a matter of their personalities not being compatible, that would be fine, she could understand that. When a guy dates her, knowing from the very beginning she's from a different country, however, (which is pretty obvious because of her skin as well as her accent) he shouldn't use that as an excuse to end things. I told her I was sorry that guys were just using her (I really did feel bad for her). But like with everything else, Elizabeth smiled and said there are always more guys to date, ones that appreciate her and don't use her.  

Names, Humor, and Holidays
A few times during our conversation Elizabeth would imitate something she's heard Americans say here, and she NAILED the accent every time! It was so funny :) We started talking about names, since hers is rather American, and she told me how most names in Nigeria translate to something like "Blessing from God" or "Joy and Peace." She does have a Nigerian middle name (something else I had asked if they do, since not everyone does middle names), and then I explained while our names don't necessarily have meanings like that, they are often passed down from our relatives, picked special as a way to remember our family. 

I recalled how in Asian countries they tend to just make up names based on sounds they like, and that reminded Elizabeth of a joke she had heard a Nigerian comedian tell. According to this comedian, Asians pick names by filling a pot of water, dropping a rock inside, and then using the sound it makes to name their baby! While this is totally racist, it sounded almost exactly the same as another joke I heard here in America: Asians pick names by throwing their pots and pans down the stairs. It was hilarious to me that two completely different cultures could have the same joke, the same view of a third unique culture!

As for holidays, Elizabeth says Christmas and New Years are a big deal, but that's about it. They don't do Halloween, and their independence day isn't a big deal like it is here. At the most, a few high school students will do a little something, but that's it. They have  Children's Day, although she's not sure what it's really supposed to be about, and Easter is mentioned in passing, if at all.

For some reason, Elizabeth can't say some of our English words, like "squirrel." Fortunately I was able to comfort her, because she isn't the only one who can't say that word - apparently Germans can't pronounce it correctly, either. We had a good laugh about that!

Conclusion
I loved my experience talking with Elizabeth. She shared a lot of herself in the experience and didn't seem annoyed or tired with all my questions. I admire her strength and spiritual convictions, as well as her bravery for coming to a foreign country thousands of miles from home. I consider myself a hard worker (I too did the early morning custodial job when I was in school), but her view of the world helped remind me that I still take a lot of what I have for granted. My situation could be so much worse. 

I wish everyone had the chance to talk to people from other countries, to gain a new perspective and be more grateful for what we have here. I think she enjoyed my company as well, even though she is surrounded by white people now and you'd think she'd be tired of answering questions like mine. People from other countries want to know about us, too, and I like to think that's partly why she did talk with me so much. 

I love that Elizabeth knows exactly who she is, and she is happy because of it. I am so glad I met her, if you couldn't tell :p

Pornography: Why I'm Against It - A Conservative's View

This is definitely an "adult topic," so if you aren't an adult, you might want to check out my other blog posts! :) 

And to be clear, I am going to speak out against masturbation, as it typically accompanies the use of pornography. I will also touch on the importance of committed (read: married) heterosexual relationships, so if you disagree with these viewpoints, you don't have to read this post. You are welcome to read it, though!











 

Recently I engaged in a heated debate online, all in response to a friend posting Matt Walsh's blog post titled, "Married men: your porn habit is an adultery habit." The friend who posted it agreed with Walsh's perspective, as do I. It might not have been the user's original intention, but lusting after others is cheating. Walsh's desire was simply to give another reason to not view pornography, to perhaps strike a chord with men who otherwise will not think twice about consuming this poison. But the vehement denial of the detrimental, destructive force behind the porn industry was absolutely astounding as I read through the comments people posted in response to my friend's original posting. I've been thinking about it ever since.

So often us "prudish" Christians are accused of heaping on guilt and shame that the rest of the world says there is no place for, that we are judging others based on some arbitrary moral code, or that we are hypocrites because there is such a huge problem with Christians who are also porn addicts. There is definitely a disconnect between people who are God fearing and those who laugh at the idea of anything being labeled "evil" - it's like comparing apples and, well, not even oranges. Maybe a better comparison would be apples and rocks. 

I have learned that guilt actually has a function in the world, whether or not you believe in God. Guilt, in healthy amounts, serves to encourage a person to change, to become better. Since shame, on the other hand, can lead to problems including addiction, I can understand why others might argue that the reason porn addictions happen is because the addict is forced to keep it hidden, secret. Shame and secrecy is not the reason why pornography is addictive, however. Sure, there can be an additional thrill from keeping it hidden, but that thrill is not the addicting force behind pornography. I'll come back to this later.

For those who are feeling judged, to them I ask this question: If I was telling you to not walk out into traffic, on a highway that I knew was particularly busy, full of potholes, and not well-lit, would you say I am judging you? Us conservatives see pornography as an evil that can and should be guarded against, and all we want to do is WARN OTHERS of its dangers, not judge you for having fallen into its trap. Most people who view pornography are not evil. They are ordinary men (and women) who have come across it accidentally and been fed eloquent lies about its "harmless" nature so they keep looking at it. If anything, this experience has taught me that most people are just plain naive about pornography.

As for Christians being hypocrites because we struggle with it, too - doesn't that prove that even those who are actively striving to keep pornography out of their lives are having a hard time with it? There is nothing wrong with saying something is bad and then admitting we have a hard time with it, too. Sometimes I think we forget that religion, Christ's atonement, and church in general is for sinners. Jesus was called the great physician, which implies that we are all his patients - we all have ailments that we need His help to cure.

I never thought I'd have to say this to another adult, but the fact that a large group of people is doing something is NOT A VALID ARGUMENT FOR PARTICIPATING IN IT YOURSELF. Shockingly, one of the biggest arguments supporting the use of pornography was that "Everyone else is doing it."  It was like these people were saying, "I've jumped off the cliff (viewed porn) that everyone else keeps jumping off of dozens of times, and I haven't died (become addicted/destroyed a relationship/killed anyone). That means it's okay and natural. It also isn't illegal." (I'll get back to the laws of the land soon.)

What's worse is one of these people arguing for porn mentioned a relative of theirs that was seriously addicted and cheating on their spouse. Isn't that proof enough of how insidious pornography is? Their argument: "My spouse and I use porn, and we're not addicted. It's because we're not hiding it. Hiding it is the reason [the relative] went off the deep end." I'm paraphrasing, but this is basically what was said. This person was completely dismissing the studies that show viewing pornography alters the brain in the same ways as cocaine, as the reward centers of the brain are stimulated, regardless of whether or not the activity is "hidden." It goes back to the idea that "nothing bad has happened to us, so we're going to keep doing it."

Here's where the really insidious part comes in: Cocaine (and other drugs) eventually leave the system as the user stops taking it in and they "detox." There is NO DETOX PROCESS for pornography addicts. Those images are in the brain forever - in ANY viewer's brain forever - and they can be recalled at any time. The pornographic images can come to the forefront of the mind even without the person's consent, meaning that even if someone is trying to be clean, those images can come to mind completely unbidden, at any time, anywhere.

As with other drugs, if no efforts are made to stop consuming pornography, the brain craves more stimulation the longer it is exposed. This means aggression and violence are then added to the mix, to hit that same level of stimulation that triggers the release of that hormonal reward. That person's view of the once-beautiful sexual intimacy is warped and twisted, until you get someone like Ted Bundy, the American serial killer. No, not everyone who looks at porn becomes a serial killer, but why take the risk when NO HARM comes from avoiding it?

I know the rest of the world mocks the idea of abstinence or restraint of any kind, but what harm comes from NOT viewing porn? If anything, it would mean fewer computer viruses! Why do we support the person who does not drink because his father was an alcoholic, yet the rest of the world mocks someone who chooses to avoid pornography - a substance that is much more addictive? Why do we have to wait for "research" to tell us that yes, pornography is indeed bad, when it costs us nothing to refrain from it now?

Another interesting argument supporting the use of pornography is for those married couples who are not "equally matched" in their libido. It does sound logical that the higher libido spouse would use porn to "burn off" some of that excess energy, but this is just another way the pornography industry is trying to "normalize" itself. It also caters to the idea that sexual pleasure is the end all, be all to life, when it is just one component to happiness. 

A few months ago I came across a statement from Doug Mainwaring, a gay man who is against same-sex marriage. He believes so strongly that children deserve both a father and a mother to raise them (I wholeheartedly agree) that this man is sacrificing his sexual pleasure by living with his ex-wife to raise their children - or at least that's what I gathered from the article. Now, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that whole arrangement, but the idea of sacrificing his sexual urges in an effort to be there for his children - him saying that his children are more important than having sex - supports what I say about sexual pleasure not being the sole purpose to life.

Using porn to compensate for uneven libido between partners is a dangerous shortcut, especially considering pornography's addictive properties, whether the difference in sex drive is brought on from disinterest or illness. There are other ways for a couple with this sort of problem to work things out, it just takes a little longer - something completely unappealing in our world of immediate satisfaction. This is also unappealing to many because it will probably mean some sacrifice on one or both sides, and the rest of the world teaches that we don't "have" to give that up, that sexual expression in all its forms is true freedom. This is a lie, as clearly evidenced by those who struggle with porn and sexual addictions for ten, twenty years (or even longer), those who are trapped by those supposed freedoms, unable to lead a normal life. I've even heard of recovering porn addicts who have to go completely "tech free" for a while when a particularly strong resurgence threatens to drag them down again, all because of the "freedom" of watching porn those first few times.

Masturbation has become such a common practice that it is often laughed at and joked about, to the point that some people reading this post will question why I'm taking it so seriously. Viewing pornography and then masturbating often happens together, and again, I have heard the argument that "everybody does it," therefore it's not wrong. Masturbation as defined by my church states that it is self-abuse, not even self-love, which is how I used to think of it. Masturbation is a self-indulgent practice that warps the sexual drive's intended use - to unify a married couple - into something selfish, done alone to satisfy those sexual urges without having to do any real work in a relationship. "It is a perversion of the body's passions."

Masturbation is not physically necessary, either. No one ever died from not having sex, as a counselor once said to me, followed with the scientific fact that the male system expels excess sperm during "nocturnal emissions" or "wet dreams." Women also have "wet dreams" that perform a similar release, and everyone can relieve physical and emotional tension with a good old-fashioned workout. If we started expecting more from our teenagers by encouraging abstinence (and restraint overall), we would have fewer out-of-wedlock pregnancies, fewer sexually-transmitted diseases, and a generation that could handle waiting to have their desires met. It is okay to practice restraint!

Finally, I have been told that not all pornographic web sites are illegal. This means nothing to me. I don't support a lot of what my government "approves." The entire pornography industry is rotten, wicked, and evil - entertainment designed for the sole purpose of capturing its consumers, body and soul. Looking at ANY porn is like stepping into a pool. Sure, your end might be shallow ("soft" porn), but it is the same water. You are essentially supporting child pornography and other vile practices every time you consume it.

If there is any anger that has come across in this post, I want to assure you that it is directed at pornography itself and those who support its production, not at those who have been caught up in it or those that have been lied to their entire lives about its "harmless" nature. There is nothing harmless about this destructive, insidious practice. There is help out there, though! And there is also help for those who have a spouse that is struggling with addiction. (I believe women can be a great force for good in helping their husbands overcome pornography addiction - not to say only men have this problem, just that it is more statistically likely). I will include a few websites at the end of this post for those seeking help.

 Sexual intimacy is a beautiful aspect of our human experience in this life. We do not need to look outside of our marriages for fulfillment, and we need to protect our loved ones from the warping influences of pornography. That means taking steps to educate ourselves and taking measures to make our homes safer. Add filters and blocks to computers and televisions. Put computers in a main living area of the home. Check children's smartphones, email, and Facebook accounts regularly for sexual activity. Ask partners on a regular basis if he or she has looked at porn. Talk about it. Provide a safety net for your family for when any of you encounter it. This is not a matter of oppression or guilt, it's a matter of keeping each other free from harm and free from addiction. Avoiding it costs nothing; every intentional encounter could cost everything.



http://overcomingpornography.org/individuals/overcoming-addiction-through-the-atonement?lang=eng

http://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-5-teaching-adolescents-from-twelve-to-eighteen-years?lang=eng
 
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/11/25/married-men-your-porn-habit-is-an-adultery-habit/

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/02/19/pornography-statistics/