Recently I have had a lot of negative interactions with my 4-year-old that go a little something like this:
Me: "Please stop shoving the toy in your sister's face."
4-year-old: *shoves toy in sister's face some more*
Me: "If you don't keep that out of her face, then we won't get donuts later." (something I had made plans for the previous evening, an activity the 4-year-old was greatly anticipating)
4-year-old: *shoves toy in sister's face some more*
Me: "Please stop!"
4-year-old: *shoves toy in sister's face one more time*
Me: "Okay, we are not getting donuts anymore."
4-year-old: *RAPTOR SCREECH*
"You're MEAN, mom! You don't WANT me to have donuts! NOBODY wants me to have donuts EVER AGAIN!"
*grumpiest frown/stink eye combination ever*
Me: (calm voice) "No, that's not true, I WANT you to have donuts, I wanted to get us donuts, but you chose to disobey."
4-year-old: "You're HAPPY when I'm sad! You LIKE it when I'm mad! You don't LOVE me anymore!"
Me: "No, that is NOT TRUE, I actually --" (4-year-old interrupts, repeating same arguments, stifling further discussion)
Overall, lots of extremely frustrating, repetitive, headache-inducing arguments. Instead of acknowledging his part in losing a privilege or receiving a punishment and allowing himself to feel sad or disappointed, he immediately jumps to blame everyone around him. It's frustrating, but at this stage I can chalk it up to him simply not knowing how to correctly label his feelings. (Heck, I'm still learning to do this as an adult!) And it means eventually he will learn the correct labels as long as I take the time to set him straight.
But the worst part is how eerily similar these interactions are to the arguments I've had with Depression, or rather, friends and family who were going through an episode of depression.
Here's an example of a conversation I've had with Depression:
*random negative or stressful life event*
Depression: "You're MEAN, God! You don't WANT me to have happiness! NOBODY wants me to have happiness EVER AGAIN! I probably don't even DESERVE happiness!"
Me: "No, that's not true, God wants ALL of us to be happy. This [life event] is just part of mortality. You're a good person, you can have happiness, too."
Depression: "Well, maybe everyone else can, but He doesn't want ME to be happy. I'll NEVER be happy, no matter WHAT I do. God just doesn't love me, that's why I keep feeling this way."
Me: "Of course He loves you, I think --" (Depression interrupts, shutting down further discussion)
Don't misunderstand me, I am not making light of depression in any way by comparing it to a 4-year-old's tantrum, nor am I suggesting my 4-year-old has depression. What I am saying is that negative thought patterns can apparently develop at any age, and I feel the heavy burden it is to listen to, attempt to argue with and eventually help change those unhealthy thought patterns.
It is so draining to argue with and confront these negative patterns of thought in my loved ones, though! (Again, please do not misunderstand, I do not wish to diminish or claim to fully understand the fight of those who actually have depression.) Yet I often feel very alone in these discussions. Perhaps it is because the person I care about isn't even there - Depression takes over their side of the conversation and I have to fight so hard to be heard. Sometimes I don't even want to try anymore since it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall.
However, in the past few years I have come across the mental health branch of psychology called "cognitive behavioral therapy," and it gives me hope. The very nature of that study centers on the idea that we have the power to control and change the very course our thoughts take. The science here tells me that my efforts to argue with Depression are not in vain. Obviously the therapy is more successful when the person with depression practices those principles themselves, but it proves I can still do something on my end as a caretaker.
These principles are mirrored in what I have learned from the gospel and the scriptures, that we can control our thoughts and that God does not give us any commandment without preparing a way for us to follow it. So if He tells us that we must control our thoughts, that means He wants us to do so, and that there are ways we can indeed learn to control our thoughts.
There is an amazing talk by one of our church leaders that directly addresses the issue of those with clinical depression and their caretakers by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Like A Broken Vessel," and it has also brought me great comfort and hope.
From what I've learned about the nature of this mortal journey, I also think that Depression is at least in part due to a particular vulnerability to Satan's lies. Look back at the conversations I wrote - who else does Depression sound like? Can you hear it in Satan's voice now?
Satan: "God is so MEAN! He NEVER wants you to have happiness. I bet you don't even DESERVE to be happy. Nobody cares about you, especially not God, IF He's even there..."
All of us have heard these lies before, whispered in the private recesses of our innermost thoughts. For some reason, though, there are those of us who are more susceptible to believing those insidious lies, and it takes its toll on everyone around them. We all have our weaknesses, and how those weaknesses are assigned is not a reflection on who God favors (tip of the day: He loves all of us equally). It is just a particular trial of mortality that some of us must face directly, and some of us face from the outside as caretakers.
It is very much like cancer that can take down anyone, not just people who make unhealthy choices. Additionally, depression is like cancer because it takes a toll on everyone involved - the person with cancer as well as those who love and live with them.
My point is this: Don't listen to Satan's lies, keep fighting to change your negative thought patterns, and stay strong if you are the one having to supply the example of positive thought patterns for others. Do what you need to do to keep up your own mental strength, and pray for God's help.
(Here is the link to that talk I mentioned, because it really is worth a read:)
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
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