Emotional Health, Jealousy, and Homeownership

I've learned a lot about emotional health since I've been married and had children. I used to think it was just me, like it wasn't my particular talent to be good at dealing with or expressing my emotions in a healthy way, or that I should hide the ones that show weakness, like sadness or fear. (In reality, dealing with emotions in a healthy way is actually an area in which most adults I've met still have a LOT of growing up to do.) 

 

I also learned at a young age that people don't want to be around you if you're complaining all the time, so I would hide, smother, bottle up those emotions and put on a good face so people would like me. I'll even monitor my friendships and think back on our recent interactions to see if I've burdened them with too much information about my problems. It's similar to animals in the wild - those that are sick often separate themselves from the pack to go off and die alone. I viewed negative emotions as a sickness that no one wants to be around, so I cut myself off as a service to the pack. I still do this, because I want to be liked, and I am the one element of the relationship I can control.

I have since learned that it is better to acknowledge, express and work through our negative emotions, because if you cut off any emotion, including the bad ones we don't like to feel, it will make you numb to the good ones, too. You can't bottle up anger, jealousy, or sadness without losing the ability to feel happiness. It's all or nothing with emotions. I don't know why, that's just how God designed us, I suppose.

Something I wish the rest of the world would teach or even acknowledge is the fact we NEVER have to ACT on our emotions. Just because I am angry does not give me the right to hurt others - something I now tell my children. (This idea of restraint would go a long way in ending extramarital affairs, as well as benefit an individual's emotional health.) Emotions do pass, much like sickness when we finally puke after eating something that makes us sick. It hurts, it burns to vomit up whatever made us ill, but afterwards there is an immediate sense of relief, plus that thing that made us feel that way is no longer in our system. We are healthy again.

With all of that being said, I wanted to share that there have been many times when I have felt jealous of those who seemed to be moving on with their lives while I was stuck in Rexburg, waiting for the hubby to graduate. I didn't want to admit to myself I felt that way because I've always been taught that it is wrong to feel jealous ("thou shalt not covet" - which I now acknowledge is not the same thing, more like a higher law/lesser law deal). I also didn't want to let jealousy take away from any happiness I might feel towards those who were moving on, finding "real" jobs, buying their first homes, and so on. 

 

I can even extend this to other times when I've felt jealous, like seeing friends and family post pictures of sisters having a wonderful time together, since I can't do that anymore in this life. Since I had trained myself to avoid and ignore that feeling of jealousy - remember, I see it as a weakness and an undesirable trait - I would bottle it up and continue to feel "sick," as it were. Then one day I asked about it in counseling (a few years back I went to see a counselor every other week for a couple months to help me deal with everything), and that's when she compared feeling negative emotions to vomiting. I can now admit that I feel jealous sometimes, allow myself to feel it, understand why I am feeling it, and be sad. Once I fully feel that jealousy, I can let it go and feel the happiness I want to have for others and genuinely celebrate with them.

 

It's not easy, though. Understanding in theory is not the same as understanding in practice. I feel jealousy from time to time, and I still struggle with allowing myself to feel it because I do still see it as a negative trait that a "true" friend wouldn't feel. But at least I know now that it is healthy and necessary to feel those less desirable emotions in order to keep feeling the good emotions, too. Feeling jealous does not mean I have to act jealous (remember? you never have to ACT on your emotions!)

So if any of you ever feel jealous after seeing something I post about a new job, new house, me with my kids, anything - please know that I have been there, too, in one way or another. It's okay to feel that way, and it does not mean I am any more or less blessed than you. (That's almost an entirely different blog entry right there!) 

Grieving

Grieving  - What I have learned about the process over the years

At first, each wave of emotion is powerful, overwhelming and you are completely submerged. Tears rise up of their own volition, sometimes so violently they turn to a gagging breathlessness as grief engulfs your being. Everything is blackened out. You don't know if you'll ever breathe again. Later you will learn that this is sheer shock. The emotional pain translates to physical pain – headache, dry eyes, dehydration – all things you barely notice, if at all at first. Every normal task feels abnormal, like eating, using the bathroom, or talking, and everything blurs together in a haze, a weird mix of intense emotion and the dullness that remains once a wave subsides. It feels like you will never be happy again, but mundane tasks keep you going for those first few days or weeks. Because it hurts so much, you might even try to stop thinking about it – a natural defense, and a much-needed momentary break – but that wave will always come crashing in. Let it. Eventually the swells die down in frequency and intensity, with each wave hitting more softly and ebbing more quickly.

Grieving is incredibly personal, but at the same time, it can be shared to some degree with those who were also close to the person lost. It feels strange to laugh, in between the swells of grief, but good memories come up and if the person who was lost had a good relationship with you, you don't mind laughing because you want to honor their memory with goodness, too. You might even feel a little happy to see all the family and friends that came to honor your lost loved one.

Grieving is being sad for all the memories you won't make with them anymore, sadness that your journey with that person is over, sadness over a future lost. It can also involve self-pity, feeling sad that you are sad, as well as anger and confusion, and later on, jealousy of others who still have their sister, mother, brother, father. Regret might also play a role in grief, even when the person who died had an overall positive relationship with you. And there is no good question to the answer “Why?”

Grief changes you forever. There is a depth etched into your soul from that wound, from that loss, and no one will ever be able to fill that hole in this life, because there is no one exactly like that person you lost, no relationship that can – or even should – completely replace it. With that wound there is an added sensitivity to loss and sadness, even imagined loss, and it leaves you wobbly the same way staying in water for a long time can make your legs feel like they are in moving water, even long after they are dry. Later on this will make you a better friend to those who also go through loss.

Eventually you start to notice people with those attributes from the person you lost, and you realize there is still that goodness in the world, albeit not wrapped up in the package that was the person who died. And there will be a search for a way to deal with that sadness etched into your soul, for the times a swell rises up after a long, long absence of grief-like feelings. There might even be a sense of obligation or dedication to always feel a little sad, to continue to miss that person no matter how many years go by, because you always want them to be a part of your life. There are many good ways to honor someone's memory. It might even serve as a way to allow you to grieve in the future, because all feelings need the chance to be felt. It makes you human. It makes you sane. Just don't hold it in.