Chores

Chores: A banal term that children abhor and adults endure. Yet there are certain tasks required to run a household of any kind. Those with busy jobs and lots of money often hire someone else to do it; the more common arrangement is to divide up the household tasks among those living in a given household.

When I was a child living at home, chores were something that kept me from having fun. I never received an allowance growing up, although some bigger chores like mowing the lawn would yield a few dollars of spending money. (Personally, now that I have my own child and some adult perspective, I think this is the best way to go. Otherwise kids expect money for every little task; definitely an unrealistic view of the world.) 

As I got older chores were the roadblock between me and a fun weekend with friends, and later a power struggle between me and my parents. I might not want to take out the garbage the second I walk in the door from school, but I am willing to do it by a given time later that day, for example.

Later, as I went out and started living on my own, chores became a battle between roommates, girls fighting over mounds of stinking, dirty dishes, chore charts and weekly apartment inspections. When I came back home, chores became an exchange for room and board during my summers off or a courtesy during holidays.

Now that I've been married, there is an entirely separate dimension to housework. My husband grew up in a family that had some money, so between the maid, a very clean mother, and a typical teenage attitude, he did not gain an appreciation for contributing to household duties. This meant I had to find a way to persuade an independent-minded young man that chores are necessary and not always all that bad.

The best technique has been a combination of persistence and gratitude: thanking him sincerely whenever he does complete a chore (especially dishes, because that is my LEAST favorite chore), and leaving a task undone if he agreed to do it. For the first year or so we had dishes sit in the sink for days at a time, but it needed to happen. Now there is barely a day that goes by without dishes being washed.

For my hubby's particular case, we also needed to come up with a way that I could remind him without him taking it as an insult. (He has ADD and can be quite forgetful sometimes.) This required patience on both our parts, since I had to learn to not get angry at him for forgetting, and he had to get over his anger at me for reminding him--reminders can easily become or be perceived as nagging. Lists will work if he is the one writing them, and verbal reminders work if he asks for them in the first place (or if I ask him if he needs a reminder in the future). Again, these measures are necessary for us because of his ADD.

Another element to completing chores that I find works for us is being flexible. When we were in school, each semester was different. We were on different tracks, for one, and sometimes one of us would have a harder term than the other. Right now, since I'm done with school, I do more of the household chores. I do not completely take over, however. Even in his busiest semesters I like for hubby to do at least one chore on a regular basis, to keep him in the habit of helping out. Sometimes we even sit down and talk about the division of labor, if I feel he's not doing enough or if he is feeling overwhelmed at school and needs me to do even more for him.

One arrangement I particularly appreciate is our meals and dishes trade-off. Whoever cooks dinner does not have to wash dishes. Since I cook most of the time, my hubby does dishes most of the time. Every once in a while I ask him to cook dinner, but he tends to use a LOT more dishes than me when cooking! Thus he does dishes more often.

Whenever we get a house with a lawn, I will probably be in charge of mowing and landscaping. I like being outdoors and I don't have allergies; hubby finds yard work tedious and has pretty bad hay fever. He does like climbing, though, and will probably be in charge of clearing out the gutters and hanging up Christmas lights. It just makes sense to divide things up this way.

I've also noticed over the years that my husband has gained a new appreciation for a clean home and his contributions toward it. He now voluntarily takes on various cleaning projects on occasion and I can tell he feels a certain amount of pride when our place is clean. He also grumbles a lot less when I do ask him to do something less than pleasant. He'll still cringe at the word "chores," mostly out of habit, but I'm glad I've been able to teach him the essentials to keeping a clean home. (Working as an early morning janitor on campus for a few months probably helped a lot, too!)