My Brother's Keeper

"And the Lord said unto Cain: Where is Abel, thy brother? And he said: I know not. Am I my brother's keeper?" (Genesis 4:9) Every once in a while this scripture comes to mind, particularly when I am in a situation where I feel compelled to intervene. My personal philosophy is yes, I am my brother's--and sister's--keeper. 

In the Mormon church, we call each other "Brother Smith" and "Sister Lee," not mister, misses, or doctor. In one way it makes us all equals, stripping away worldly titles and things that would set us above or beneath one another. In another way, however, it reminds us how we should treat each other. For those who don't have good relationships with their siblings--well, hopefully your church family can show you more loving examples. 

Not everyone feels it is their place to say something, though. I prefer to err on the side of saying something, unless specifically instructed not to say anything. I was working at a Deseret Industries a few years back, a secondhand shop or thrift store run by the church to help members and local community members learn valuable trade skills. In my case it was to help put my husband through college. 

One day I noticed a customer walking the store with her baby in tow. Her outfit stood out as particularly odd to me. Members of the church who have temple recommends wear special underclothes, called garments. The point of these garments is to remind us of the covenants we have made, and they are an easy reference guide for picking out modest clothing. This means shorts and skirts must go to the knee and shirts must cover the entire torso and shoulders. This lady was wearing a spaghetti string tank top, with her garments clearly showing underneath.

After my initial surprise, I went and found one of the managers, also a member of the church, and asked him if I should go tell that lady she should wear a regular shirt with her garments. When I say I asked him, I was only following protocol--I already had one foot back out on the store's main floor. From my perspective, this lady showing her garments like that was similar to someone walking out of the restroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoe. It wasn't a major violation of our beliefs or anything, but I felt embarrassed for her. However, my manager said it wasn't our place to say anything to this woman. 

In the end, I followed his instructions. (I couldn't exactly go directly against his orders... Sometimes it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.) It still bugs me that I didn't say anything to her. She probably just didn't know, or just wasn't thinking. In the meantime her mistake could cause confusion among new members, or she could very well end up wearing something worse. Now I'll never know.

There have been other times in my life where those around me have advised me not to say anything, because it "isn't my place" to do so. I can't shake the feeling they are wrong, though. It would be like a new member coming to church with a trained bear on a lead. We wouldn't turn them away, but unless they are instructed, they would never know that that behavior is inappropriate.

Our church teaches all members to dress modestly, so when the time comes for them to make covenants and start wearing garments it will already be a habit. Young women who are taught to have respect for their bodies by keeping them modestly covered ("modest is hottest") are also more likely to stay out of trouble. And when the girls are dressed modestly, then the boys stay out of trouble, too. But what if nobody at church is bold enough to quietly pull a young lady aside, and help her see how her clothing needs to be more modest? 

If everyone keeps passing the buck, thinking someone will say something eventually, there are many lost teaching opportunities. Sure, the girl might figure it out on her own eventually, but what if it takes a couple years? The adjustment might be harder for her to make, if she has a whole closet full of not quite modest clothes, and a couple of guys may have been tempted in the meantime. Really, it's about lost blessings, though, not condemnations.

As far as being out in the world and acting as each others' keepers, I still believe it is more prudent to open our mouths and say something than it is to keep silent. How will pregnant teenagers know there are more options than just abortion or being a single mom if nobody feels it is their "place" to say something? (By the way, the best option is for that teenage girl to put the baby up for adoption, so the mother can get her life back in order and so that baby can have both a mother and a father who want and are ready for it.) How will kids raised on the streets ever become responsible members of society, fulfilled human beings, if nobody tells them they have options? If nobody believes in them enough to even suggest higher education?

I am definitely not saying to be rude about it; I believe the scripture that says contention is of the devil (3 Nephi 11:29). As soon as you start interjecting your own piousness, putting someone down or arguing with them as to why they are wrong, your teaching opportunity is long gone. In the church, teachers receive instruction, the most important of which is to teach by the Spirit. If we have the Spirit with us, guiding us in our discussions, we're a lot more likely to get through to those people we're trying to reach.

In the process of trying to be each others' keepers, I guarantee we will still say the wrong things sometimes. It's okay, we are imperfect beings. It's the intent that counts. If I am ever chastised for something I am not actually doing wrong, I take it at the person's intent. I appreciate their concern for me, and I am glad they are doing their best to do what is right. Most of the time, people only say those things because they care. And if not, well, I am a happier person if I give them the benefit of the doubt.

So are you your brother's keeper?